Moving On

I bought my 2013 calendar weeks ago (and almost cried in Paper Source when I picked it up). As much as I'm ready to start a new year, it will be sad to leave 2012 behind. After all, the first half of the year was great. We started off the year with Taison getting to see Baby Bell via ultrasound on his birthday. I sang at Carnegie Hall and we spent a week on an island in Belize. I was pregnant, experiencing something I had always wanted to experience...and it was an easy pregnancy. My baby brother graduated from UVA, a good friend got married, and we bought a car. The first half of 2012 was too good to be true.

The second half of 2012 was so hard. But, I have learned a lot about life and about myself over the last few months. I still have plenty to be grateful for and to look forward to. Along with loving memories of my sweet Julian, I hope to carry into 2013 a greater appreciation for time spent with loved ones, because you never know when that time may be cut short. I know that 2013 will have its challenges, but I know that I have the strength to face them. I look forward to what the new year has in store for me, Taison, and our friends and family.

With love for you all and best wishes for 2013,
Kristen

Christmas 2012 in Pictures

Christmas Eve dinner-Taison got his hands on the Christmas chalice 

 

Aunt Dresden's tiramisu

Auntie M's German chocolate cake 

Taylor and Grandma 

We tried to get Coco in the Christmas brunch pic, but she got distracted by the food on the table (understandably) 

This is what you get once you've graduated from Legos 

...and this is what you get when you convince your wife that you can teach yourself to play (so far so good, actually-he has potential)

To Julian on Christmas Eve

Dear Julian,

Tonight was Christmas Eve. Mommy and daddy were sad you weren't here for everyone to meet you and play with you. I would have liked to show you grandma and grandpa's big Christmas tree and the snow that fell earlier today. Maybe you would have had your first taste of gumbo broth at dinner.

We didn't talk about you tonight, but we were all thinking of you. I noticed a very pretty sunset yesterday. Maybe that was you saying hi.

Love,
Mommy

I Made It

The fall semester is over at work. In September, I had no idea how I would survive going back and facing everyone and all of the memories of the time I spent there with Julian as he grew. Somehow I did it, and successfully made it through a whole semester. I literally breathed a sigh of relief at my desk when I realized this the other day. Like many things over the last few months, going back wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. I think it helps that I work with counselors and health care professionals (and future health professionals). They generally knew what to say and what not to say, so I didn't have to deal with many awkward questions or comments.

I still struggle with reminders of those last few days with Julian: seeing a student whom I haven't seen since July, or coming across one of the last work emails I sent on the Friday before he was born. Overall, I have been okay, and have been able to keep up with an increasing number of tasks and responsibilities. At this point, I'm pretty much back to "normal" as far as my workload and workdays go. Of course, I still have moments when I have to stop and breathe, or take a few moments to myself.

Other recent accomplishments:

Singing in five Holiday Pops concerts
(Taison came to the last one on Sunday)


Making one batch of Christmas cookies
(Oatmeal-Pistachio-Apricot for a cookie swap at work )


Going into the baby section of Gap to buy our gift to donate to a child this winter. I bought a navy blue down-filled snowsuit. It looks really comfy. Some little 6 month old out there will be nice and warm in it this winter.

No Words

When a child dies, there are no words. No words exist to fully express the pain of the loss; none exist to fully convey sympathy. Music and poetry help us get a little closer to expressing these emotions. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" was added to the Holiday Pops program this weekend to honor the victims in Newtown, CT. It made for a tearful start to the concert, but it felt right to acknowledge the tragedy. Even though there are no words, those bereaved parents need to know that their children will be remembered.

20 Weeks

It's been 5 months since we met our dear Julian. That first and last meeting was so special and so heartbreaking. I have felt so much sadness, guilt, confusion, anger, jealousy, and loneliness since July 22nd. I have also had moments of peace, happiness, pride and gratefulness. I have been comforted by hugs (especially the ones from Taison), music, walks, yoga, cooking, gardening and spending time with family and friends. I am optimistic that the good times will start to outnumber the bad as I continue to adjust to this new reality.

Christmasness

I have little to no Christmas spirit this year. I don't want a tree, I don't want to bake cookies, I don't want to buy any presents. I was semi-dreading singing in the Holiday Pops concerts I was assigned to. The first two were today (well, yesterday). I was able to fake cheeriness, and actually realized that being onstage behind the orchestra is a nice place to hang out. When I'm onstage, I can pretty much ignore the fact that a couple thousand people are looking at me (or in my general direction), and just enjoy an hour or two in which my only responsibility is to sing. I don't have to make small talk with anyone or be alone with my thoughts. I just have to look pleasant and breathe and count notes. It's kind of a nice break from real life. I think I even caught myself genuinely smiling a few times.

Two other holiday season activities have made me smile. (Okay, so maybe I do have a little Christmas spirit.) First was seeing the Nutcracker. I only went to uphold our annual tradition, but I ended up truly enjoying the performance. Second was hanging our stockings. I'm so glad we got one for Julian.

"A stocking for an angel"

For Nalini

We learned this morning that Nalini Mukerji passed away. She was the mother of one of Taison's co-residents. We met her a few years ago during a dinner at his attending's house, and immediately connected with her. We were fortunate to get to hang out with her when she would be in town from Arizona for her chemo treatments. Even though she was sick, she always had a sparkle in her eye. Spending time with her always included good laughs and good hugs. Spending time with her plus her daughter and son-in-law (a tall Jewish Australian named Elvis) was pure entertainment.

We lit a candle tonight in memory of this wonderful lady. She will be missed. 

I wonder if she has met Julian. I think they would get along quite well.