A Quiet Memorial

Taison and I shouldn't have been surprised that we started Julian's birthday weekend under a fabulous sky. On our drive to Montreal last Friday, we actually pulled the car over so that we could take in this sunset. There was even a tiny rainbow a few minutes before we took this picture: 

Sunset in Vermont-7/19/13

I'll share more about our trip to Montreal in another post. This post is about the first anniversary of Julian's birth, Monday, July 22, 2013.

I was grateful that the sun was shining when I woke up on the 22nd. Taison and I both took the day off from work. We didn't set an agenda or any expectations for how the day would go, just did what felt right. This even included a few laughs and smiles.

 I can always find something to smile about at a farmer's market, especially the smell of just-picked tomatoes on a warm day.

We ended up buying something for baby even though it was Julian's birthday. We went to a local plant shop and Taison asked an excellent question: "Why don't we have a plant in the nursery?" So, now baby has a plant. You can't see in this picture, but the pot has some sort of  nursery-esque illustration on it (I think it's a baby giraffe). The plant was a great idea. It's nice to have something green in that room.

Of course, just about any quiet day of healing includes some time in the kitchen for me. I pulled out my favorite orange pot and made some tasty, bacon-y baked beans, among other things.

We had a nice dinner together outside on the back porch... 

...and had some "birthday cake" later on the front porch. 

This is the same cake we had last year on the day after Julian was born-the day we had to come home from the hospital without our sweet boy. Momma Scott just happened to pick up a small cake from Whole Foods that day as she shopped for groceries for us through her own fog of grief. Somehow, despite all of the pain, I still had a decent appetite, and was able to appreciate how delicious this cake was. Even then, we referred to it as birthday cake. Although Julian's birth was incredibly heartbreaking, giving birth to him and meeting him was still something to celebrate.

At 9:22pm, the time he was born, we lit a candle in memory of our first son. It was surreal to sit in the nursery holding a candle for Julian while his little brother kicked away in my belly. I'm so grateful for the chance to get to know both of these baby boys, for whatever amount of time.

Julian Thomas Bell

~7/22/2012~

7lbs, 11oz, 19.5 in

Mommy and I love you and miss you more than words can say.

-Taison

Acceptance

I've heard that the final stage of grief is acceptance. I haven't accepted losing Julian as something reasonable or part of a greater plan, but I have accepted it as my reality. I have accepted that something unimaginably tragic happened that I will have to live with all of my life. I have accepted that my heart will never be quite whole ever again, because part of it will always be with Julian.

I gladly give up this part of my heart, because I am grateful for the time I had with him, and I want him to have that part so he will always feel my love. One of the greatest lessons I've learned over the past year is that even without that part, my heart still has the capacity to hope and to love powerfully.

Summer So Far

I love summer so much. I would almost always rather be hot than cold, and a little humidity makes me feel cozy. I love the long days, especially waking up to sunshine, even at 6am. Here are a few things that have made me particularly happy so far this summer:

Going back to "preg-yoga" (aka prenatal yoga).

I started prenatal yoga again a few weeks ago. I still practice on my own at home, but it's nice to be back in a class. It's also nice to be able to go to class in flips flops and no outerwear. 

Getting back on my bike! 

I kept missing opportunities to ride in late spring/early summer because of bad weather, being out of town, and still feeling so tired during the first trimester. I finally got out on a ride for the first time a few weeks ago. Taison and I have gone on a few nice rides since then. (I especially like the ones that involve stopping for ice cream.) I have to take it a little more slowly than usual, and my belly will be in the way soon. I'm going to try raising the handlebars for the next ride to make more space for baby. I don't plan to ride for too much farther into the pregnancy, but I'm enjoying it for now.   

Weekday lunch with Taison! 

This only happened once, even though he worked within walking distance of my office for half of the past year. That just made this lunch extra-special. It probably won't happen again anytime soon, since he is back across town at MGH (as a chief resident!) for the next year. This is on the patio of my building-a nice spot that I don't go out to often enough. Taison was even brave enough to come into my office to say "hi" to my coworkers (everyone is female). 

 Growing things to eat! 

Our garden is off to a slow start (the weather didn't cooperate very well the first half of June), but I planted some radishes and carrots in a big pot on our front balcony early in the summer and they've done pretty well. I was craving radishes at the time, and the craving wore off long before there were many radishes to eat. So, I ended up letting several of the plants go to seed. Did you know you can eat radish seed pods? They're pretty tasty.

 Baby birds. 

I would actually rather not have baby birds on our front balcony, partly because of a prior experience with a dead baby bird a couple of years ago (luckily Jessica R was there to help me!), and also because it turns out that the parents of these three are the most aggressive robins ever. Since the babies hatched a few days ago, Taison and I have had to resort to using the buddy system when it's time to water the plants out there: one person to water (quickly) and the other keep watch for swooping bird-parents. It really seems like they might actually try to peck one of us in the face. I picture one getting tangled in my hair. I hope these babies grow up and fly away fast.

Grilling!

We don't grill as much as I would like because it's kind of a pain to cart the food up and down two flights of stairs. It always ends up being worth the extra work, though. I tried grilling plums last time-they were delicious, especially in an arugula salad.

 Yoga outside! 

A friend told me about a free yoga class that a local studio would be offering at Spy Pond a couple of times this summer. I tried it out last Sunday, and it was such a good class and a perfect start to the day.

Tomatoes! 

I ate just about my fill of local strawberries in late May and June, and now I feel ready to move on to tomatoes. I got my first "good" tomato of the season from the farmer's market this afternoon. There is nothing like a just-picked tomato in the summer. I hope to have some from our own garden again this year, but that won't happen for several more weeks. 

Taison and I also like to catch up on a few good TV series during the summer, especially on those days when it's too hot to move. We just finished Scandal (I finally understand some of those Thursday night Facebook posts from the last year) and we're now one season into Breaking Bad (yay, chemistry!). 

"Definitely"

We found out last week that baby is healthy and growing well, and is "definitely a boy"! The physician who went over our ultrasound results noted how rarely doctors get to make definitive statements, and was enthusiastic about being able to use the word "definitely" in this case.

Baby is 18 weeks old now, and the size of a bell pepper. He moves around a lot, and sometimes kicks/punches/head-butts hard enough for Taison to feel : ).

And the Rockets

I had an unusual 4th of July this year. Instead of grilling and going to see fireworks, I sang in a tent a few feet away from several howitzers.

Soldiers setting up the cannons on the 3rd of July

I sang in the Boston Pops 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular with the Tanglewood Festival Chorus. They don't use the chorus every year for this concert, so I was lucky to be available this year to do this. It was nice to sing upbeat, (easy), patriotic songs instead of funeral masses for a change.

Not sure where Amercia is exactly...

It was also nice to feel like a VIP. We had special passes that gave us access to pretty much anywhere on the Esplanade (the park where they hold the concert every year) and in the Hatch Shell. They bussed the entire chorus and orchestra from Symphony Hall to the Esplanade in a police-escorted caravan through downtown Boston. Police officers on motorcycles flanked our buses and sped ahead to block traffic at each upcoming intersection. Some people on the street waved enthusiastically at us as we passed; others flipped us off, especially when we traveled through rush-hour traffic jams at 6pm on Wednesday. 

Banner on the state house celebrating the 40th annual July 4th Pops Concert

Back to the tent. Space is tight on stage at the Hatch Shell, but we need a lot of sound. So, they had about one-third of the chorus sing from "backstage", which was a tent behind the Hatch Shell. I was originally assigned to be on stage, but it's been so hot and I found out there would be no opportunities to sit or drink water for long stretches during the concert. I didn't want to risk passing out in front of thousands of people and on local TV, so I opted for the tent. It was still a lot of fun, and I got to see former Senator Scott Brown and actually shake hands with Governor Deval Patrick.

In front of the Hatch Shell during rehearsal on Wednesday

Oh, and the howitzers. They blast those during the 1812 Overture (which has words and choral parts-I never knew that). Even if you're expecting it, you can't help but startle, which is tricky when you're trying to sing. We wore earplugs, but it was a tradeoff because then we couldn't hear what we were singing as clearly. The fireworks that they set off from the back of the Hatch Shell (also very close to our tent) sounded like nothing after those cannons went off. My #1 fan and expert critic Taison said we sounded fine, though. He watched the TV broadcast of the concert and we texted during commercial breaks-another perk of being in the off-stage chorus!

July

I can't believe it's July again. July 2012 seems so far away, but it also does not seem possible that almost an entire year has already passed since Julian was born.

So far, I'm doing better with the summer than I thought I might. I've for the most part been able to avoid dwelling on the "this time last summer" thoughts. I've had some rough spots, but overall I'm just continuing to try to focus on each day as it comes. Work and singing are keeping me busy, which helps pass the time and keep my mind off of sad or bitter thoughts of what might have been.

I am so grateful to be pregnant, and to feel baby moving around every day. It's scary to be pregnant again, but still fascinating to watch a new life grow. We are already so in love with this baby. Giving birth to Julian was a glimpse into how beautiful it would be to have a living child. Having that to look forward to has helped make this a much happier summer than it would have been otherwise.

Taison and I plan to celebrate Julian's birthday quietly just the two of us. The 22nd falls on a Monday this year. We booked a trip to Montreal for the weekend before. I think it will be good for me to be somewhere different that weekend. On his birthday, we'll light a candle and have a little cake, and just take some time to remember our sweet little boy.