CYG Day 31

Day 31: Sunset

August 19, 2012
(Four weeks after Julian's birth)

Thank you for reading about our dear Julian over these last few weeks. It has been nice to share this project with you, even though some of the posts have been hard to write (and I'm sure hard for you to read). All I have is memories of Julian, and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to share some of them with you.

Now let's see where this blog goes from here. Not sure what I'll do without my "assigned" daily topics, but stay tuned.

Love,

Kristen

CYG Day 30

Day 30: My Grief

"Grief is a primal yearning."

I wish with every fiber of my being to have my son back. Even on the good days, even when I laugh and smile, I am missing Julian. Everything reminds me of him, which makes sense given that I spent every minute of every day with him for 9 months. I am grateful for the time I had with him, but it wasn't enough. I was planning a lifetime with him.

CYG Day 29

Day 29: Music

Julian's sense of hearing developed just in time for him to hear his mommy sing Beethoven's Missa Solemnis with the Boston Symphony Orchestra at Carnegie Hall. Here's one of the most beautiful parts of the piece, Bendictus. (I don't have a recording of our performance, but this one is similar, although the BSO concertmaster is better than this one ; ).) I had a good hard cry the first time I listened to this after Julian died. I'm glad that I was able to share such beautiful music with him.

I'm sitting here listening to the piece now as Hurricane Sandy rolls in. There is such contrast between the violent winds outside and the peaceful music inside our warm, cozy living room. I hope everyone on the East Coast is able to stay safe and dry through the storm.

CYG Day 28

Day 28: Memories

How hard he would kick and punch me. Even when his rolls and jabs made me uncomfortable, I loved feeling and seeing them. I was proud of how powerful he was.

The look on the OB's face when she told us there was no heartbeat.

Fighting back tears when it was time to start pushing.

Kissing his warm, soft cheek and holding his perfect little hand.

CYG Day 27

Day 27: Artwork

Julian's first piece of art. This painting by Nelson Young caught my eye when we were in Belize, and after walking past it about 10 times during our vacation, we decided we couldn't leave without it. I was so excited to hang it in the nursery.

CYG Day 26

Day 26: Their Age

Julian died at 39 weeks, 4 days.

He was born the next day.

CYG Day 25

Day 25: Baby Shower

April 14, 2012-This picture from my shower just happens to capture the most important women in my life: Mimi, Auntie M., Mom, Grandma and Aunt Dresden. They are all amazing women and mothers who I have looked up to all my life.