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Dear Julian,

You would have been 3 years old today. Alain seems like a big boy to me now as a 19 month old; I can't imagine what a 3 year old would be like! Your little brother loves playing with the big kids when we go to the library or the playground. I wish you two could play together.

I spend a lot of time talking about and to Alain, but I still think about you a lot. I wonder how similar or different you would have been from Alain-bear. I wonder what it would have been like to hear you say "mama" and "daddy", or what your nickname would have been. I wonder if you would have been as excited about buses and fire trucks and dogs and splashing and berries as your brother is.

I wish and wonder a lot of things about you. The few things that I know are: you were strong and beautiful, and you were and will always be loved by many. I'm honored to have carried you and given birth to you. Happy birthday, my sweet little one.

Love,
Mommy

July in a New Place

It's Julian's birthday month, the first one away from Boston. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Even though we've moved, I still feel close to him. I think Alain helps. He is so full of love and laughter that it kind of spills over into my thoughts and memories of Julian in my quiet moments. It's nice that Alain is a snuggler, too. Those generous bear hugs of his help, at least a tiny bit, to make up for the snuggles that I've missed out on with Julian.

The End of the Beginning

Our condo on Magnolia Street is empty and now we live in VA. I was definitely ready to say goodbye to our first home, but seeing the nursery empty was hard. That room held a lot of hopes and dreams and fears and regrets. Julian sent a double rainbow to see us off the night before we left, just after the movers finished loading the truck.

He sent another (double) rainbow a few days after we moved in, when Taison and I were on our way home from an afternoon movie date.

Alain's room here in VA is beautiful. Both his room and ours look out on a pond across the street. One of the first things Alain likes to do when he wakes up is open the blinds to see the "agua". We gave him a big boy haircut shortly after we arrived, which he loved. He's having a great time living with g'ma and g'pa and Coco...especially Coco. He misses Taison, a lot (so do I). Luckily he'll join us in just a couple more days. Overall he's adjusting well to his new home.

We still have a lot of unknowns, but I'm comfortable with that for now. It's summer and I get to explore new possibilities with the bear (and my mom, and sometimes Taison when he's not working), and we'll see where we end up.

Success

My semester ended at the beginning of this month. I was a little nervous to open my course evaluations, because I wasn't sure what type of feedback my students would have for me. Between all of the blizzards, travel, and the bear still not sleeping that well, my hopes for having more time to fine-tune my teaching this semester fell a bit short. During the semester, the only feedback I really received was how my students did on graded assignments and how engaged they seemed in class. My class met for 100 minutes at lunchtime, so I often got yawns and blank faces (even though I instituted a mandatory stretch break halfway through class ; )). A few students did go out of their way to send me relevant articles or film clips that they came across during the semester, which I suppose was a good indication that at least a portion of the class was interested.

To my surprise, the evaluations were very positive! What a great confidence booster. It's nice to feel successful at something. There are a lot of small successes in parenting the bear, but there is also a lot of uncertainty and some failures (most of the failures have to do with getting him to go to sleep!). And then there is the crushing failure of losing Julian that will always loom in the back of my mind. I'm grateful to have had the chance to experience this success in teaching, and am interested to see what's next for me professionally once we get settled in the DC area.

The bear and I have started saying our goodbyes to friends and colleagues and favorite places in Boston (and by "Boston" I mostly mean Arlington, Cambridge and Somerville). The weather has been fabulous lately, which has been nice for our farewell tour. We spent most of today in actual Boston, visiting my old office at NU and Symphony Hall.

Hanging out near Symphony Hall

Theme song for this month: Nina Simone's cover of "Here Comes the Sun"

10 Years

We graduated from undergrad 10 years ago! I could never have guessed where we would be 10 years ago, and I would not have dared to wish for such a wonderful little family back then. 

Back in the UVA amphitheater for the Black Alumni Weekend BBQ (Alain was fast asleep in his stroller despite the crowds and music)

His favorite souvenir from our weekend in C'ville

Showering

I co-hosted a baby shower for a dear friend last weekend, on a snow-showery late-March day. We had a really nice time celebrating her and her little one on the way.

Two years ago, I didn't want to be anywhere in the vicinity of anyone celebrating pregnancy or babies. I couldn't even see a pregnant woman on the street without feeling sad, angry, resentful or jealous. I didn't know if I would get to be pregnant again, or if I would ever have the chance to raise a child.

Looking back, I'm amazed that I was able to function in those first few months after Julian was born. How did I drag myself to work every day? How did I face all of those people? How did I care about my students' concerns and the department's "initiatives"?

I realize now that I was functioning at about 75%. I blocked out a lot (sometimes literally by wearing earbuds and blasting music on my iPhone every day on my walk and subway ride to work). I missed out on a lot in my friends' lives. I don't regret that, because it was what I needed to do to heal. I'm grateful that the people who love me understood that and didn't take it personally. It's nice to be back, though.

Jet-setting

Has anyone noticed that my last few posts have been at the very end of each month? It's been REALLY hard to prioritize time to write here, but I can't bear to let a whole month pass without posting something. So, here I am at 11:15pm on the last day of the month, in bed with a sleeping bear (he's anti-crib right now after all of our traveling).

February was crazy! We had at least one blizzard* a week; all 3 of us got the flu**; we stayed in a ridiculously upscale house in Stowe; and we went to San Francisco/Napa/Seattle! And I had my first crumpet, which was surprisingly scrumptious.

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll be back soon with pictures!

*This is only the slightest exaggeration

**Technically happened at the end of January (and yes, we all got flu shots last fall)

San Francisco!

Napa!

Seattle!