CYG Day 31

Day 31: Sunset

August 19, 2012
(Four weeks after Julian's birth)

Thank you for reading about our dear Julian over these last few weeks. It has been nice to share this project with you, even though some of the posts have been hard to write (and I'm sure hard for you to read). All I have is memories of Julian, and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to share some of them with you.

Now let's see where this blog goes from here. Not sure what I'll do without my "assigned" daily topics, but stay tuned.

Love,

Kristen

CYG Day 30

Day 30: My Grief

"Grief is a primal yearning."

I wish with every fiber of my being to have my son back. Even on the good days, even when I laugh and smile, I am missing Julian. Everything reminds me of him, which makes sense given that I spent every minute of every day with him for 9 months. I am grateful for the time I had with him, but it wasn't enough. I was planning a lifetime with him.

CYG Day 29

Day 29: Music

Julian's sense of hearing developed just in time for him to hear his mommy sing Beethoven's Missa Solemnis with the Boston Symphony Orchestra at Carnegie Hall. Here's one of the most beautiful parts of the piece, Bendictus. (I don't have a recording of our performance, but this one is similar, although the BSO concertmaster is better than this one ; ).) I had a good hard cry the first time I listened to this after Julian died. I'm glad that I was able to share such beautiful music with him.

I'm sitting here listening to the piece now as Hurricane Sandy rolls in. There is such contrast between the violent winds outside and the peaceful music inside our warm, cozy living room. I hope everyone on the East Coast is able to stay safe and dry through the storm.

CYG Day 28

Day 28: Memories

How hard he would kick and punch me. Even when his rolls and jabs made me uncomfortable, I loved feeling and seeing them. I was proud of how powerful he was.

The look on the OB's face when she told us there was no heartbeat.

Fighting back tears when it was time to start pushing.

Kissing his warm, soft cheek and holding his perfect little hand.

CYG Day 27

Day 27: Artwork

Julian's first piece of art. This painting by Nelson Young caught my eye when we were in Belize, and after walking past it about 10 times during our vacation, we decided we couldn't leave without it. I was so excited to hang it in the nursery.

CYG Day 26

Day 26: Their Age

Julian died at 39 weeks, 4 days.

He was born the next day.

CYG Day 25

Day 25: Baby Shower

April 14, 2012-This picture from my shower just happens to capture the most important women in my life: Mimi, Auntie M., Mom, Grandma and Aunt Dresden. They are all amazing women and mothers who I have looked up to all my life.

CYG Day 24

Day 24: Siblings

Alex and Taylor-the "illest" uncles

CYG Day 23

Day 23: Name/Photo

Julian Thomas Bell

Born 9:22pm on Sunday, July 22, 2012
7lbs, 11oz, 19 1/2in
He had his mommy's nose and daddy's mouth, chin and ears

CYG Day 22

Day 22: Place of Care

I received my prenatal care and gave birth at Mount Auburn hospital. I am so happy with the care I received there. The nurses and midwives handled our situation with such care and respect. They allowed Julian's birth to be beautiful, even though the circumstances were tragic. Clare, a midwife, took care of me before, during and after my pregnancy. She was not scheduled to work on the 22nd, but she came from out of town to be there for Julian's birth. She arrived just in time to hold one of my legs while I pushed (Taison held the other). She took almost all of the pictures that we have of Julian. Her nurse, Jackie, doesn't work in L&D, but she reached out to me as soon as she heard what had happened. She was already my favorite nurse; now she has become a friend.

Tamara is the midwife who took care of me through labor and delivery. I love that she treated the delivery the same way she would have a live birth. She asked me if I wanted a mirror to see what was happening while I pushed (I didn't, not this time), and she told me to "look down and see your baby" as his head emerged. That first glimpse of his head is one of the memories that I cherish.

I only have a picture of two members of the team: Stacy (left) and Kathy (right), both L&D nurses. Kathy took care of us all day Sunday, and even stayed after her shift ended to be there when I delivered Julian that night. A lot of that day is a blur to me, but I clearly remember staring into Kathy's eyes and holding her hands to get through a contraction while my epidural was placed. Kathy was also a special support to my mom. She brought her countless mugs of tea that day, and even ended up giving my mom her favorite mug before she left that night. We talked about how great Kathy was for weeks after Julian was born.

CYG Day 21

Day 21: Special Place

Julian's ashes, nightlight, the first book that Taison read to him when I was pregnant, and Mr. Oink, the piggybank we bought for him in Belize. We didn't realize we were creating an altar/shrine/sacred space, but that's what this shelf in the nursery ended up being.



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I also have a couple of photos in my office, along with a gift that a friend gave me after Julian died that happens to have the same colors as his rainbows : ).

Something to look forward to

Winter getaway 2013: Turks and Caicos

Something sweet

Taison loves jellybeans, so I made sure to bring some with us to the beach. Of course, these are made with no artificial colors or flavors. They're still tasty-Taison agrees : ).

Something beautiful

Sunrise on the Charles. Taison took this on his bike ride to work a couple of weeks ago. This is near Harvard Square, close to the section of the Charles that we could see from the hospital room where Julian was born. Taison and I watched the sun rise over that bend in the river just a few hours after we found out that Julian was gone. Through that Sunday while I was in labor, the three of us (mom, Taison and I) spent hours staring out at the river and the carefree people canoeing and paddleboarding on it. We couldn't understand how they could go about their daily lives, enjoying a beautiful Sunday afternoon, while ours had just come crashing down around us. I couldn't imagine ever reentering that world of carefree Sunday afternoons. What I've learned since then is that life does go on. Julian is not here, but I am, so I might as well try to make the best of each day. My days are not carefree, but most days I am able to find something beautiful to remind me of my beautiful son.

Something delicious

Sweet potato fries with chipotle aioli from Sidecar Cafe, Oak Bluffs, Martha's Vineyard

Something fun

I'm taking a break from CYG for a few days, but didn't want to take a break from the blog. Instead, I'll share a little bit about our weekend. We went to NYC and had a great time, as usual. We explored Park Slope, had brunch at a friend's fabulous apartment in TriBeCa, and ended up at a big loud club (we thought we were going to a lounge-it was definitely not a lounge). Saturday night at the club was an opportunity to get updated on current music and pop culture, such as this gem ; ) 

CYG Day 15

Day 15: Wave of Light

12 Weeks

Julian would have been 12 weeks old today. Taison and I were both looking forward to this time when he would have started to be more interactive. I know that you all were looking forward to meeting "Baby Bell" and watching him grow, too. Tomorrow we will be lighting a candle at 7pm in his memory for CYG Day 15: Wave of Light. If you would like to light your own candle in remembrance of Julian and other babies who have passed away, please join us.

CYG Day 14

Day 14: Community

I was fortunate to find an incredibly supportive online community soon after Julian died. It was initially easier for me to talk about what happened and my feelings anonymously and virtually. Finding other women who had experienced a loss like ours, a baby stillborn at or near full term, was invaluable to me. That community is where I found out about Capture Your Grief, which I consider to be the first loss-related "event" I have participated in.

CYG Day 13

Day 13: Signs

Julian sends us special skies sometimes to let us know he is still with us. He sent this double rainbow the first day we were at the Vineyard this September. We arrived on a cloudy, drizzly, chilly Sunday-not a great way to start an already bittersweet vacation. Early that evening, the skies began to clear and a double rainbow appeared over the ocean. It was huge, and stayed visible for almost an hour. Everyone around us was amazed, and each person found different meaning in it. Taison and I knew that this was a sign from our son.

CYG Day 12

Day 12: Scents

Most of the flower arrangements we received included lilies. Usually, their scent is too strong for me, but in those first few days and weeks after Julian was born it was comforting. I think I'll always associate the scent of lilies with that time, when my memories of our short time with Julian were freshest.

CYG Day 11

Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family

...to each and every one of you, for the cards, hugs, flowers, emails, texts, meals, groceries, treats, laundry, cleaning, walks, chats, visits, memorials-everything. 

CYG Day 10

Day 10: Symbol

We still have several of the candles that Taison used when he proposed to me. We lit one on July 23rd at 9:22pm in honor of our first baby. A flame is bright, cheerful and full of energy, but it can be extinguished in an instant.

CYG Day 9

Day 9: Special Place

We have gone to Martha's Vineyard for vacation the last 3 summers, and hope to be able to continue this annual tradition far into the future. We were really looking forward to introducing Julian to the Vineyard this year. He would have been 7 weeks old when we went. It was not as sad of a trip as we thought it would be, partly because of the double rainbow, but also because we always find peace and restoration here. This is a picture of us in Ocean Park, Oak Bluffs, on our way to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. Can you see the ocean in the distance?

CYG Day 8

Day 8: Jewelry

While I like the idea of having a necklace or some other piece of jewelry in memory of Julian, for now the only pieces of significance are my wedding ring and engagement ring. I was able to wear my rings through my whole pregnancy, and was wearing them when I gave birth to Julian and held him in my arms on that special Sunday night, 7/22/12.

CYG Day 7

Day 7: What to Say

CYG Days 1-6

Day 6: What Not to Say

No one has said anything really terrible or insensitive to me about Julian. This was the one (well-meaning) comment that hurt. A neighbor who we don't know but who had seen me waddling up and down the street when I was super-pregnant yelled this across the street when Taison and I were out on a walk.

Day 5: Memorial

Julian has trees and a star named for him, and a birth certificate on file with the state department of health (not all states offer to issue one for stillborn babies-we're lucky to live in one that does). He also sent us his own memorial-a full double rainbow that was visible over the ocean at Martha's Vineyard for almost an hour.

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

I most treasure the photos I have of Julian. Sometimes I feel like this whole experience was just a dream, which makes me sad. It's comforting to have photos as proof that he existed. This is one of my favorites. He just looks like he's tuckered out after a hard day of kicking mommy with those amazing little feet.

Day 3: Self Portrait "After"

Four weeks after Julian was born, we went to Manchester, VT for the weekend. This was the first picture taken of us post-loss. I included Taison in my "self-portrait" because I would not have been able to get through this without him.

Day 2: Self Portrait "Before"

I took this on July 17th, just a few days before I gave birth. As you can see, the old wives' tale that women carry baby boys like basketballs was true in my case. 

Day 1: Sunrise

This is a view from the nursery, with the nightlight that Uncle Taylor made for Julian.

Capture Your Grief Project

I recently learned that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I thought that this project sounded like a great way to reflect on our time with Julian and continue the healing process. In fact, part of my motivation for starting this blog was to use it as a place to share these photos and memories. (Many people are participating through Facebook, but I find Facebook to be a bit too public, and I just haven't wanted to use it much since Julian died.)

Please bear with me as I try to catch up on the last week's worth of photos. Hopefully I'll be able to post a photo a day for the rest of the month.
 

Introduction

Julian's death made me appreciate family and friends more than ever, and I would like this to be a way for us to stay in touch. First, a little orientation:

• The title: You all know how important music is to me and Taison. Listening to music and singing again has been an important part of the healing process. What some of you do not know is that we have seen some amazing skies since Julian died. The rainbows and clouds shaped like angel wings have comforted us and reminded us that Julian is still with us, just in a different way.
• The background: The blue is the color of the cute little knitted hat that the nurses put on Julian after he was born. The background photo is of a double rainbow that we saw on our first day at the Vineyard this year.

I started this blog because of Julian, although I don't intend for it to be 100% about him. He is a very special part of our family, but only a part. So, this blog will also be about me and Taison, and hopefully someday, Julian's younger siblings.

Love,

Kristen