It Still Stings Sometimes

I can do everyday life pretty well now. I laugh at work and smile at strangers on the street. I can answer honestly when people ask me if I have any children. But, every now and then, I am still knocked back to those stomach-drop, heart-palpitation moments that I felt so frequently in those first few weeks after we lost Julian. Most recently, this feeling was triggered by a post from an acquaintance on Facebook. Apparently, she is expecting a baby boy (her first) any day now, and plans to name him Julian. I promptly hid her from my newsfeed. If she has better luck than me, soon there will be photos of a cute little brown baby named Julian all over Facebook. Of course, people can name their children anything they want. The world hasn't retired the name Julian. It just stung to see that.

Usually it makes me happy to see or hear that name, because it reminds me of our Julian. Remembering him does not make me upset. Julian was fun, beautiful and perfect. He brought joy to our lives for nine months. What makes me upset is the fact that he died, and that, while I am his mother, I will never get to mother him.