First Conversation of the Day

Alain is allowed to come to our room after his "ok to wake" clock turns green at 6am. He snuggles in next to me and goes back to sleep for a bit (Taison is usually on his way out the door at this time). When he wakes again, he often chooses to wake me with a great pronouncement or demand yelled close to my ear, such as "It's MOOOORNING TIME!" or "what's for breakfast!?!". This time, he asked (a little more quietly),

Were you happy when I came?

Yes, I always like when you come in for cozies after your clock turns green.

No, a long time ago.

You mean when you were born?...Yes, I was very happy.

Because Julian died?

..................................................

So, I'm glad he gets it. I'm glad we've told him about his big brother, and that we take him to visit Julian's stone at Edgartown Lighthouse, and that we include Julian's name in bedtime prayers. I'm glad that we've explained death as it's come up in the last year, from Grandpa Ernest to Jesus to fresh rabbit roadkill to baby birds whose nest was too close to the ground.

I didn't cry at that moment, or even that morning. We snuggled and chatted a little more about how much daddy and mommy wanted to raise a baby and watch him or her grow up. And then it was time to discuss breakfast.

Untitled Re: Election 2016

For months
You look forward to
A new beginning.
You don't know exactly what it will look like.
But you imagine
And plan
And collect information
To be prepared
For the new beginning.

Then you wake in the dark
Early one morning
And learn that what you were expecting
Is gone.
And you struggle,
Clawing at loose gravel,
To grasp the new reality.

First it does not compute.
Surely
It is a mistake.
You are dreaming.
So you pinch yourself
Or try to go back
To sleep.
But you know that it's true.
And you cry
Out of fear,
Sadness,
The shock of the unimaginable.

Then you think back
To the previous evening.
There were signs
That all was not well.
Signs that you did not want to see.
They didn't fit the story.
They didn't fit your experience
Or expectations.
So you pushed them away.
Now you turn the bits of recollections
Over
And over
Until they're worn and no longer
Trustworthy.
But by now you've sown the seeds of self-doubt:
I should have done something.
I coud have done more.

And then your mind short circuits
A little.
And you are forced to rest
In the fog of grief.

Once rested, you reach out
Cautiously.
You find that others have felt the same
Ripping away of hope.
And the same fear
And anger.
So you share
With them.

And slowly time resumes
And you heal
And love.
And there are new beginnings.
But there always remain scars,
And you are forever changed.

I did not expect a presidential election to remind me of stillbirth.

Not a baby anymore

Alain is not a baby anymore. He makes jokes, and builds things and is proud of them, and (finally) slept through the night for the first time earlier this week. And tonight, he asked about Julian. We always include Julian's name in our bedtime poem/prayers, which Alain usually does with g'ma and g'pa. By now he knows and has met everyone listed (mama, daddy, g'ma, g'pa, grandma, grandpa, etc.), except Julian. So, naturally, he interrupted g'ma tonight to ask about this Julian person she keeps mentioning. It was actually kind of funny-he perked up and asked, "Julia?" because he knows my good friend Julia.

I explained that Julian was/is his big brother, but he's "out" and we can't see him. I told Alain that Julian was mama and daddy's first baby, and we love him very much like we love Alain. Alain's only response was to try saying the phrase "big brother". I could almost see him filing the rest of the information away for later discussion. That's my sweet, smart, cuddly 2nd baby boy.

Hi favorite Christmas songs this year were Handel's Hallelujah Chorus and the Pentatonix version of Angels We Have Heard on High. He sang both a LOT this month, with a little Beethoven's 9th thrown in for consistency. Over the course of our Pentatonix YouTube video explorations I ended up hearing their rendition of Silent Night while I was alone in the nursery with only the night light (the one Taylor made for Baby Bell) on. It was a nice opportunity during a busy holiday season to think of my dear 1st baby boy.

Alain is 2!

Taison made another birthday video!

Alain appears to have grown an inch this month, and inhales food accordingly. He loved the Thanksgiving turkey-couldn't wait for it to be cooked and carved, and has since eaten his weight in turkey meat. He has started saying sentences, and especially likes saying thank-you. Most heartwarming to me are his groggy middle of the night thank-yous for milk. He also just today started asking us "how are you?" He's proud of himself and knows we are impressed, so we spent a lot of time answering that question over and over again at the dinner table today.

I can't believe I have a two-year old. I sometimes miss the teeny tiny baby Alain, but I love the little person he is becoming, and enjoy spending time with him. He shares my love of music and food, and Taison's love of air travel. He still lets us cuddle him a lot, and has become a really good hugger. Sometimes I feel like I got a snuggly bear to make up for some of the Julian hugs that I miss out on. I am thankful for that, and grateful for a wonderful two years with a wonderful little boy.

Pumpkin time again!

Fall 2014:

Fall 2015:

That is all.

(Except for this fun fact: he can still wear the Fall 2014 outfit. He was just THAT fat as an infant : ). He finally started to lengthen out this summer. I'll miss the rolls and cheeks, but it's nice that pants fit him now. Bonus is he still fits in a lot of last winter's clothes. They just look very different on him this year!)

Kitchen Adventures: Cooking with the Bear

It was just a matter of time (and ability to stand on a step stool) before Alain joined me in the kitchen.  Despite his allergies, he's just as enthusiastic about food as I am. After a summer spent picking tomatoes and berries almost daily in g'ma's garden, he was ready to take the next step with food prep. So, he stands next to me at the counter (on said step stool) and plops (not throws!) chunks of potato into a pot of water, or pieces of broccoli into a colander. He was also somehow involved in helping g'pa make lemonade recently. And he helps set the table for most meals by at least putting his fork and sippy cup on the table.

Of course, there are no photos of my newest kitchen helper in action (or the food we've made) because 1) I haven't uploaded any all month, and 2) trying to take selfies while your 22 month old stands on a step stool and you have a large knife nearby is not a good idea. Some favorites he's helped with so far are black beans and rice*, sautéed potatoes, and steamed broccoli. I wish he wasn't allergic to everything in cookies and cakes (flour, butter, milk, eggs, etc.) but I suppose it's for the best that his taste for delicious baked goods isn't developed yet.

(Taison caught us cooking and snapped a shot-selfie problem solved!)

Coconut is also a new favorite, but he prefers eating it straight up to cooking with it

*He's obsessed with my black beans and rice. We just made a batch today and he hugged my legs as I was serving his because he was so excited to eat it. He insists on having a squirt of lime juice on top of his. Here's the recipe, modified from Epicurious:

4 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed with a garlic press
1-2 strips bacon, chopped
2 tablespoons coconut oil
1 onion, finely chopped
1 small bell pepper (any color), seeded and finely chopped
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon dried oregano

2 teaspoons salt
1 1/2 cups long-grain white rice
2 (15 1/2-ounce) cans black beans, drained
2 cups water

lime and hot sauce for serving, optional

We were lucky enough to have it alongside grilled shrimp with mango salsa : )

August

We've been everywhere this month! Looking back at the calendar, I just realized that we were finishing up vacation in the Outer Banks at the beginning of August:

 Almost the whole fam

Cool dudes on a hot beach

Alain and I were obsessed with these figs from a tree in the backyard of our beach house.

Then Alain and I went to Richmond for a long-overdue visit. Then Taison took him on his first visit to the National Zoo:

Then g'ma, Alain and I went to the Berkshires so I could sing Beethoven's 9th ("Ode to Joy") at Tanglewood. And Alain met a llama near our AirBnB rental:

Alain got a lot out of this year's visit to Tanglewood; he is now obsessed with "Ode to Joy" and enjoys singing along and pointing out the instruments ("cello!" "horn!") in a YouTube video of the piece. 

Then we went to the Vineyard with Taison! The sand and water were great, but the Touch a Truck event at the local school made the biggest impression on Alain:

"Fire truck!!"

A visit to Julian's stone at Edgartown Lighthouse

Our annual photo overlooking Edgartown Lighthouse

I'm exhausted and tired of packing and re-packing, but it's so worth it. Alain soaks up each experience and seems to remember everything. It's so much fun to watch him process these experiences. We have one more trip this weekend (wedding on Long Island that should be a lot of fun) then will go back to regular life, for the most part.

3

Dear Julian,

You would have been 3 years old today. Alain seems like a big boy to me now as a 19 month old; I can't imagine what a 3 year old would be like! Your little brother loves playing with the big kids when we go to the library or the playground. I wish you two could play together.

I spend a lot of time talking about and to Alain, but I still think about you a lot. I wonder how similar or different you would have been from Alain-bear. I wonder what it would have been like to hear you say "mama" and "daddy", or what your nickname would have been. I wonder if you would have been as excited about buses and fire trucks and dogs and splashing and berries as your brother is.

I wish and wonder a lot of things about you. The few things that I know are: you were strong and beautiful, and you were and will always be loved by many. I'm honored to have carried you and given birth to you. Happy birthday, my sweet little one.

Love,
Mommy

July in a New Place

It's Julian's birthday month, the first one away from Boston. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Even though we've moved, I still feel close to him. I think Alain helps. He is so full of love and laughter that it kind of spills over into my thoughts and memories of Julian in my quiet moments. It's nice that Alain is a snuggler, too. Those generous bear hugs of his help, at least a tiny bit, to make up for the snuggles that I've missed out on with Julian.

The End of the Beginning

Our condo on Magnolia Street is empty and now we live in VA. I was definitely ready to say goodbye to our first home, but seeing the nursery empty was hard. That room held a lot of hopes and dreams and fears and regrets. Julian sent a double rainbow to see us off the night before we left, just after the movers finished loading the truck.

He sent another (double) rainbow a few days after we moved in, when Taison and I were on our way home from an afternoon movie date.

Alain's room here in VA is beautiful. Both his room and ours look out on a pond across the street. One of the first things Alain likes to do when he wakes up is open the blinds to see the "agua". We gave him a big boy haircut shortly after we arrived, which he loved. He's having a great time living with g'ma and g'pa and Coco...especially Coco. He misses Taison, a lot (so do I). Luckily he'll join us in just a couple more days. Overall he's adjusting well to his new home.

We still have a lot of unknowns, but I'm comfortable with that for now. It's summer and I get to explore new possibilities with the bear (and my mom, and sometimes Taison when he's not working), and we'll see where we end up.

Success

My semester ended at the beginning of this month. I was a little nervous to open my course evaluations, because I wasn't sure what type of feedback my students would have for me. Between all of the blizzards, travel, and the bear still not sleeping that well, my hopes for having more time to fine-tune my teaching this semester fell a bit short. During the semester, the only feedback I really received was how my students did on graded assignments and how engaged they seemed in class. My class met for 100 minutes at lunchtime, so I often got yawns and blank faces (even though I instituted a mandatory stretch break halfway through class ; )). A few students did go out of their way to send me relevant articles or film clips that they came across during the semester, which I suppose was a good indication that at least a portion of the class was interested.

To my surprise, the evaluations were very positive! What a great confidence booster. It's nice to feel successful at something. There are a lot of small successes in parenting the bear, but there is also a lot of uncertainty and some failures (most of the failures have to do with getting him to go to sleep!). And then there is the crushing failure of losing Julian that will always loom in the back of my mind. I'm grateful to have had the chance to experience this success in teaching, and am interested to see what's next for me professionally once we get settled in the DC area.

The bear and I have started saying our goodbyes to friends and colleagues and favorite places in Boston (and by "Boston" I mostly mean Arlington, Cambridge and Somerville). The weather has been fabulous lately, which has been nice for our farewell tour. We spent most of today in actual Boston, visiting my old office at NU and Symphony Hall.

Hanging out near Symphony Hall

Theme song for this month: Nina Simone's cover of "Here Comes the Sun"

10 Years

We graduated from undergrad 10 years ago! I could never have guessed where we would be 10 years ago, and I would not have dared to wish for such a wonderful little family back then. 

Back in the UVA amphitheater for the Black Alumni Weekend BBQ (Alain was fast asleep in his stroller despite the crowds and music)

His favorite souvenir from our weekend in C'ville

Showering

I co-hosted a baby shower for a dear friend last weekend, on a snow-showery late-March day. We had a really nice time celebrating her and her little one on the way.

Two years ago, I didn't want to be anywhere in the vicinity of anyone celebrating pregnancy or babies. I couldn't even see a pregnant woman on the street without feeling sad, angry, resentful or jealous. I didn't know if I would get to be pregnant again, or if I would ever have the chance to raise a child.

Looking back, I'm amazed that I was able to function in those first few months after Julian was born. How did I drag myself to work every day? How did I face all of those people? How did I care about my students' concerns and the department's "initiatives"?

I realize now that I was functioning at about 75%. I blocked out a lot (sometimes literally by wearing earbuds and blasting music on my iPhone every day on my walk and subway ride to work). I missed out on a lot in my friends' lives. I don't regret that, because it was what I needed to do to heal. I'm grateful that the people who love me understood that and didn't take it personally. It's nice to be back, though.

Jet-setting

Has anyone noticed that my last few posts have been at the very end of each month? It's been REALLY hard to prioritize time to write here, but I can't bear to let a whole month pass without posting something. So, here I am at 11:15pm on the last day of the month, in bed with a sleeping bear (he's anti-crib right now after all of our traveling).

February was crazy! We had at least one blizzard* a week; all 3 of us got the flu**; we stayed in a ridiculously upscale house in Stowe; and we went to San Francisco/Napa/Seattle! And I had my first crumpet, which was surprisingly scrumptious.

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll be back soon with pictures!

*This is only the slightest exaggeration

**Technically happened at the end of January (and yes, we all got flu shots last fall)

San Francisco!

Napa!

Seattle!

Kitchen Adventures: Bear Cookies

It's a good thing I like to cook and think about food, because the bear's allergies require both of these interests. The short list of food allergies according to skin tests last November: sesame, peanuts, eggs, milk and wheat. Luckily, one of his (and his daddy's) favorite meals is chili. Lots of protein (I usually use beef and beans) and veggies, and easy to make a big pot and freeze portions to send for lunches at daycare. Breakfast for the bear has been more of a challenge, though. So, I decided to modify a couple of breakfast cookie recipes I found online. After a couple of trials, success! A breakfast cookie that the bear actually gets excited about. I think they're pretty tasty, too, but I limit myself to one per batch. After all, I have LOTS of options for cookies and breakfast foods that I can eat, unlike the bear.

Bear Cookies (aka Molasses-Oat Breakfast Cookies)
Yield: 12 cookies


2 c rolled oats
1 t baking powder
1 t cinnamon
1 t ginger
pinch each of nutmeg and cloves
pinch salt
1 c pumpkin puree
2 T brown sugar
2 T olive oil
1/4 c molasses
1 t vanilla

Using a food processor, grind oats into a fine powder. Stir together oats, baking powder, spices and salt. Combine remaining ingredients and add to dry ingredients. Stir to combine, then drop onto a parchment-lined baking sheet. Lightly form into rounds and flatten slightly (they won't spread as they cook). Bake for 20 minutes, turning halfway. Cool, then find a hungry allergy-bear and a bib : )

A Special Little Video

Taison put together a video of some of the highlights of our year with the Alain-bear. I'll post that here in lieu of trying to catch up on the whole fall in one post. I will say that the fall was a pleasant, sometimes stressful whirlwind. The bear learned to have fun at daycare, I guided 17 undergrads through a semester-long overview of the US health care system, and Taison continued to do a great job of balancing his demanding job with family time. The bear is almost walking and has recently cut two more teeth, with at least one more right behind. He babbles a ton and claps to celebrate all of the little things in life : ).

Here's the video*-it made me cry the first time I saw it. Just a few grateful tears. We still look at Alain sometimes and can't believe that he's ours, and he's here, and we get to raise him.

"Bye-bye, 2014! Thanks for being so good to us."

*The music in the video is inspired by a spontaneous post-Christmas Eve dinner family singalong, and the fact that Taison and I love Rent and were lucky to see it on Broadway before it closed.

Thinking of you...

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. We didn't light a candle at 7pm like we did last year and the year before, but that doesn't mean we weren't thinking of Julian.

When I take Alain-bear to singalong at the library, I sometimes catch myself staring at the 2 year olds, trying to imagine what it would be like to have a child that age right now, trying to imagine what Julian would be like now. It's impossible-we've had way more time with Alain than we did with Julian, and I can't even imagine what Alain will be like at that age.

Anyway, back to my original thought, which is simply:

Dear, sweet Julian-Mommy loves you, misses you, and is thinking of you, now and always.

...And now it's fall

September seemed new to me this year, and I finally figured out why. This is the first September I've fully participated in since 2011. I was still limping along through life in Sept. 2012, and I was recovering from my early labor scare in Sept. 2013. What I've realized/remembered this year: September can be a lovely month!

I've enjoyed sharing the fruits of the late summer/early fall harvest with Alain. Peaches and corn were  favorites; now we've moved on to apples. He has two little teeth, and is learning how to use them. We're still taking it slow with new foods. He had another allergic reaction when we gave him bread for the first time a few weeks ago : / We're not sure if he's allergic to wheat, or yeast, or if there were traces of sesame or nuts in the bread that he might have reacted to. We're going to take him to an allergist next month. In the meantime, we'll cautiously introduce a few more new foods (he still hasn't had eggs or dairy) over the next few weeks, and keep the Benadryl (and Epi-pen) handy.

I'm enjoying my teaching gig; it's nice to use my brain in a different way. I like my little class (just 17 students, mostly freshmen). Some days it feels hard to find time to prepare for my lectures and grade assignments, but I'm keeping up.  The bear is doing well with daycare. He still cries when I leave him, but not for long. His love for socializing wins out eventually ; )

We got to spend some bonus time on the Vineyard this month. We went back for a service at the lighthouse where Julian's memorial stone is. It was nice to visit the site alongside other families who were remembering their little ones. So sad to think of all of the babies and children who are missed so badly, but nice that they can be memorialized in such a special place. 

No time to write more now, but hopefully I can come back soon to add some photos!

Visiting the aquarium for the first time!

Sitting by Julian's memorial stone at the lighthouse

Having a quiet moment with mommy

Still one of his favorite toys

Hanging out with g'ma in the awesome sweater she knit for him

Crawling (!) with his buddy

First shoes!

Just hanging out

Bedtime story with daddy (he is very particular about his books)

Leaves!

August!

...it's already almost over!

Quick highlights:

1. The Vineyard-We spent two glorious weeks there. My parents, Alex and Liz joined us for a few days. The bear liked the sand but not the water, and LOVED story time at the West Tisbury library. It was a "working vacation" for Taison and I-he was studying for boards and I was reviewing the textbook for the class I'll be teaching this fall (more on that later). 

On our way!

Date night!

Uncle Alex!

Mmmm...lobster roll

Memorial for Julian at the base of Edgartown lighthouse

You can see the Edgartown lighthouse in the distance

Oh, and Alain met Hilary Clinton!

Happy grandparents on the beach

2. Teeth! Alain turned 9 months old last week, and his first tooth broke through on that very day. The second one's on it's way.

3. Back to school-I thought this would be my first fall not involved in school/teaching, but I accepted a position in July teaching a course back at NU on the American health care system. So...just call me Professor Bell?

4. Daycare bear-Since I'll be teaching twice a week, the bear is going to daycare part time. We found a center we really like around the corner. It's going to be a tough transition for Alain (separation anxiety has just kicked in), but we think he'll like it a lot once he settles in.

What Alain's into lately:

Swings

Books

Still loves his piano-although he spends most of his time upending it rather than playing it

Cheesing

Practicing using that tooth!

He's also *this close* to crawling and has started trying to pull up to stand. So baby-proofing is now on the to-do list.