10 Years

We graduated from undergrad 10 years ago! I could never have guessed where we would be 10 years ago, and I would not have dared to wish for such a wonderful little family back then. 

Back in the UVA amphitheater for the Black Alumni Weekend BBQ (Alain was fast asleep in his stroller despite the crowds and music)

His favorite souvenir from our weekend in C'ville

Showering

I co-hosted a baby shower for a dear friend last weekend, on a snow-showery late-March day. We had a really nice time celebrating her and her little one on the way.

Two years ago, I didn't want to be anywhere in the vicinity of anyone celebrating pregnancy or babies. I couldn't even see a pregnant woman on the street without feeling sad, angry, resentful or jealous. I didn't know if I would get to be pregnant again, or if I would ever have the chance to raise a child.

Looking back, I'm amazed that I was able to function in those first few months after Julian was born. How did I drag myself to work every day? How did I face all of those people? How did I care about my students' concerns and the department's "initiatives"?

I realize now that I was functioning at about 75%. I blocked out a lot (sometimes literally by wearing earbuds and blasting music on my iPhone every day on my walk and subway ride to work). I missed out on a lot in my friends' lives. I don't regret that, because it was what I needed to do to heal. I'm grateful that the people who love me understood that and didn't take it personally. It's nice to be back, though.

Jet-setting

Has anyone noticed that my last few posts have been at the very end of each month? It's been REALLY hard to prioritize time to write here, but I can't bear to let a whole month pass without posting something. So, here I am at 11:15pm on the last day of the month, in bed with a sleeping bear (he's anti-crib right now after all of our traveling).

February was crazy! We had at least one blizzard* a week; all 3 of us got the flu**; we stayed in a ridiculously upscale house in Stowe; and we went to San Francisco/Napa/Seattle! And I had my first crumpet, which was surprisingly scrumptious.

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll be back soon with pictures!

*This is only the slightest exaggeration

**Technically happened at the end of January (and yes, we all got flu shots last fall)

San Francisco!

Napa!

Seattle!

Kitchen Adventures: Bear Cookies

It's a good thing I like to cook and think about food, because the bear's allergies require both of these interests. The short list of food allergies according to skin tests last November: sesame, peanuts, eggs, milk and wheat. Luckily, one of his (and his daddy's) favorite meals is chili. Lots of protein (I usually use beef and beans) and veggies, and easy to make a big pot and freeze portions to send for lunches at daycare. Breakfast for the bear has been more of a challenge, though. So, I decided to modify a couple of breakfast cookie recipes I found online. After a couple of trials, success! A breakfast cookie that the bear actually gets excited about. I think they're pretty tasty, too, but I limit myself to one per batch. After all, I have LOTS of options for cookies and breakfast foods that I can eat, unlike the bear.

Bear Cookies (aka Molasses-Oat Breakfast Cookies)
Yield: 12 cookies


2 c rolled oats
1 t baking powder
1 t cinnamon
1 t ginger
pinch each of nutmeg and cloves
pinch salt
1 c pumpkin puree
2 T brown sugar
2 T olive oil
1/4 c molasses
1 t vanilla

Using a food processor, grind oats into a fine powder. Stir together oats, baking powder, spices and salt. Combine remaining ingredients and add to dry ingredients. Stir to combine, then drop onto a parchment-lined baking sheet. Lightly form into rounds and flatten slightly (they won't spread as they cook). Bake for 20 minutes, turning halfway. Cool, then find a hungry allergy-bear and a bib : )

A Special Little Video

Taison put together a video of some of the highlights of our year with the Alain-bear. I'll post that here in lieu of trying to catch up on the whole fall in one post. I will say that the fall was a pleasant, sometimes stressful whirlwind. The bear learned to have fun at daycare, I guided 17 undergrads through a semester-long overview of the US health care system, and Taison continued to do a great job of balancing his demanding job with family time. The bear is almost walking and has recently cut two more teeth, with at least one more right behind. He babbles a ton and claps to celebrate all of the little things in life : ).

Here's the video*-it made me cry the first time I saw it. Just a few grateful tears. We still look at Alain sometimes and can't believe that he's ours, and he's here, and we get to raise him.

"Bye-bye, 2014! Thanks for being so good to us."

*The music in the video is inspired by a spontaneous post-Christmas Eve dinner family singalong, and the fact that Taison and I love Rent and were lucky to see it on Broadway before it closed.

Thinking of you...

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. We didn't light a candle at 7pm like we did last year and the year before, but that doesn't mean we weren't thinking of Julian.

When I take Alain-bear to singalong at the library, I sometimes catch myself staring at the 2 year olds, trying to imagine what it would be like to have a child that age right now, trying to imagine what Julian would be like now. It's impossible-we've had way more time with Alain than we did with Julian, and I can't even imagine what Alain will be like at that age.

Anyway, back to my original thought, which is simply:

Dear, sweet Julian-Mommy loves you, misses you, and is thinking of you, now and always.

...And now it's fall

September seemed new to me this year, and I finally figured out why. This is the first September I've fully participated in since 2011. I was still limping along through life in Sept. 2012, and I was recovering from my early labor scare in Sept. 2013. What I've realized/remembered this year: September can be a lovely month!

I've enjoyed sharing the fruits of the late summer/early fall harvest with Alain. Peaches and corn were  favorites; now we've moved on to apples. He has two little teeth, and is learning how to use them. We're still taking it slow with new foods. He had another allergic reaction when we gave him bread for the first time a few weeks ago : / We're not sure if he's allergic to wheat, or yeast, or if there were traces of sesame or nuts in the bread that he might have reacted to. We're going to take him to an allergist next month. In the meantime, we'll cautiously introduce a few more new foods (he still hasn't had eggs or dairy) over the next few weeks, and keep the Benadryl (and Epi-pen) handy.

I'm enjoying my teaching gig; it's nice to use my brain in a different way. I like my little class (just 17 students, mostly freshmen). Some days it feels hard to find time to prepare for my lectures and grade assignments, but I'm keeping up.  The bear is doing well with daycare. He still cries when I leave him, but not for long. His love for socializing wins out eventually ; )

We got to spend some bonus time on the Vineyard this month. We went back for a service at the lighthouse where Julian's memorial stone is. It was nice to visit the site alongside other families who were remembering their little ones. So sad to think of all of the babies and children who are missed so badly, but nice that they can be memorialized in such a special place. 

No time to write more now, but hopefully I can come back soon to add some photos!

Visiting the aquarium for the first time!

Sitting by Julian's memorial stone at the lighthouse

Having a quiet moment with mommy

Still one of his favorite toys

Hanging out with g'ma in the awesome sweater she knit for him

Crawling (!) with his buddy

First shoes!

Just hanging out

Bedtime story with daddy (he is very particular about his books)

Leaves!