I co-hosted a baby shower for a dear friend last weekend, on a snow-showery late-March day. We had a really nice time celebrating her and her little one on the way.
Two years ago, I didn't want to be anywhere in the vicinity of anyone celebrating pregnancy or babies. I couldn't even see a pregnant woman on the street without feeling sad, angry, resentful or jealous. I didn't know if I would get to be pregnant again, or if I would ever have the chance to raise a child.
Looking back, I'm amazed that I was able to function in those first few months after Julian was born. How did I drag myself to work every day? How did I face all of those people? How did I care about my students' concerns and the department's "initiatives"?
I realize now that I was functioning at about 75%. I blocked out a lot (sometimes literally by wearing earbuds and blasting music on my iPhone every day on my walk and subway ride to work). I missed out on a lot in my friends' lives. I don't regret that, because it was what I needed to do to heal. I'm grateful that the people who love me understood that and didn't take it personally. It's nice to be back, though.