Moving On

I bought my 2013 calendar weeks ago (and almost cried in Paper Source when I picked it up). As much as I'm ready to start a new year, it will be sad to leave 2012 behind. After all, the first half of the year was great. We started off the year with Taison getting to see Baby Bell via ultrasound on his birthday. I sang at Carnegie Hall and we spent a week on an island in Belize. I was pregnant, experiencing something I had always wanted to experience...and it was an easy pregnancy. My baby brother graduated from UVA, a good friend got married, and we bought a car. The first half of 2012 was too good to be true.

The second half of 2012 was so hard. But, I have learned a lot about life and about myself over the last few months. I still have plenty to be grateful for and to look forward to. Along with loving memories of my sweet Julian, I hope to carry into 2013 a greater appreciation for time spent with loved ones, because you never know when that time may be cut short. I know that 2013 will have its challenges, but I know that I have the strength to face them. I look forward to what the new year has in store for me, Taison, and our friends and family.

With love for you all and best wishes for 2013,
Kristen

Christmas 2012 in Pictures

Christmas Eve dinner-Taison got his hands on the Christmas chalice 

 

Aunt Dresden's tiramisu

Auntie M's German chocolate cake 

Taylor and Grandma 

We tried to get Coco in the Christmas brunch pic, but she got distracted by the food on the table (understandably) 

This is what you get once you've graduated from Legos 

...and this is what you get when you convince your wife that you can teach yourself to play (so far so good, actually-he has potential)

To Julian on Christmas Eve

Dear Julian,

Tonight was Christmas Eve. Mommy and daddy were sad you weren't here for everyone to meet you and play with you. I would have liked to show you grandma and grandpa's big Christmas tree and the snow that fell earlier today. Maybe you would have had your first taste of gumbo broth at dinner.

We didn't talk about you tonight, but we were all thinking of you. I noticed a very pretty sunset yesterday. Maybe that was you saying hi.

Love,
Mommy

I Made It

The fall semester is over at work. In September, I had no idea how I would survive going back and facing everyone and all of the memories of the time I spent there with Julian as he grew. Somehow I did it, and successfully made it through a whole semester. I literally breathed a sigh of relief at my desk when I realized this the other day. Like many things over the last few months, going back wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. I think it helps that I work with counselors and health care professionals (and future health professionals). They generally knew what to say and what not to say, so I didn't have to deal with many awkward questions or comments.

I still struggle with reminders of those last few days with Julian: seeing a student whom I haven't seen since July, or coming across one of the last work emails I sent on the Friday before he was born. Overall, I have been okay, and have been able to keep up with an increasing number of tasks and responsibilities. At this point, I'm pretty much back to "normal" as far as my workload and workdays go. Of course, I still have moments when I have to stop and breathe, or take a few moments to myself.

Other recent accomplishments:

Singing in five Holiday Pops concerts
(Taison came to the last one on Sunday)


Making one batch of Christmas cookies
(Oatmeal-Pistachio-Apricot for a cookie swap at work )


Going into the baby section of Gap to buy our gift to donate to a child this winter. I bought a navy blue down-filled snowsuit. It looks really comfy. Some little 6 month old out there will be nice and warm in it this winter.

No Words

When a child dies, there are no words. No words exist to fully express the pain of the loss; none exist to fully convey sympathy. Music and poetry help us get a little closer to expressing these emotions. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" was added to the Holiday Pops program this weekend to honor the victims in Newtown, CT. It made for a tearful start to the concert, but it felt right to acknowledge the tragedy. Even though there are no words, those bereaved parents need to know that their children will be remembered.

20 Weeks

It's been 5 months since we met our dear Julian. That first and last meeting was so special and so heartbreaking. I have felt so much sadness, guilt, confusion, anger, jealousy, and loneliness since July 22nd. I have also had moments of peace, happiness, pride and gratefulness. I have been comforted by hugs (especially the ones from Taison), music, walks, yoga, cooking, gardening and spending time with family and friends. I am optimistic that the good times will start to outnumber the bad as I continue to adjust to this new reality.

Christmasness

I have little to no Christmas spirit this year. I don't want a tree, I don't want to bake cookies, I don't want to buy any presents. I was semi-dreading singing in the Holiday Pops concerts I was assigned to. The first two were today (well, yesterday). I was able to fake cheeriness, and actually realized that being onstage behind the orchestra is a nice place to hang out. When I'm onstage, I can pretty much ignore the fact that a couple thousand people are looking at me (or in my general direction), and just enjoy an hour or two in which my only responsibility is to sing. I don't have to make small talk with anyone or be alone with my thoughts. I just have to look pleasant and breathe and count notes. It's kind of a nice break from real life. I think I even caught myself genuinely smiling a few times.

Two other holiday season activities have made me smile. (Okay, so maybe I do have a little Christmas spirit.) First was seeing the Nutcracker. I only went to uphold our annual tradition, but I ended up truly enjoying the performance. Second was hanging our stockings. I'm so glad we got one for Julian.

"A stocking for an angel"

For Nalini

We learned this morning that Nalini Mukerji passed away. She was the mother of one of Taison's co-residents. We met her a few years ago during a dinner at his attending's house, and immediately connected with her. We were fortunate to get to hang out with her when she would be in town from Arizona for her chemo treatments. Even though she was sick, she always had a sparkle in her eye. Spending time with her always included good laughs and good hugs. Spending time with her plus her daughter and son-in-law (a tall Jewish Australian named Elvis) was pure entertainment.

We lit a candle tonight in memory of this wonderful lady. She will be missed. 

I wonder if she has met Julian. I think they would get along quite well.

Goodnight, My Angel

An almost-forgotten melody crept into my head the other day. Just the first few notes initially, but by bedtime I realized what song it was from. "Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)" by Billy Joel. I learned and performed this song with my high school a cappella choir. I didn't mind the song then, but it wasn't one of my favorites. The melody was kind of pretty; it was sad in a haunting way that I didn't really understand or connect with. Now these lyrics mean so much more to me.

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away 

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me 

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me 

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be

Kitchen Adventures: Meatballs with Al Pal

Al Pal tending to the meatballs

I enjoyed a rare kitchen collaboration with Alex for (turkey-free) Thanksgiving 2012. Thanksgiving dinner was a success, although I have to admit two things:

1. Alex rolled his meatballs better than I rolled mine.
2. These meatballs were not quite as delicious as Momma Scott's.

Other parts of Thanksgiving dinner:

Roasted Brussels Sprouts

Pound cake (courtesy of Momma Scott)

I always remember halfway through Thanksgiving that I own china and this would be a good occasion to use it. So, out came the china for dessert and coffee (or tea).

Pound cake with Morello cherries and whipped cream

Coco

So that was Thanksgiving 2012. Much different than other Thanksgivings, but nice. There were some tears, but they didn't interfere with the enjoyment of good food and good company. 

Turkey-free Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 2011-minutes before sharing the "big news"

We found out I was pregnant with Julian the week before Thanksgiving last year. I think (or hope) that in the future I will be able to associate this time of year with the excitement and anticipation of expecting our first child, but this year it only makes me sad. It makes me sad for everything that I thought Thanksgiving 2012 would be, and it makes me angry that we don't get to share this Thanksgiving with Julian. Granted, I did not feel unbridled joy and excitement in November, 2011. I was nervous that the pregnancy might end in miscarriage, because that's relatively common. I didn't really relax and start looking forward to raising Baby Bell until later in the pregnancy, after we had passed the "danger zone" and were well into the 2nd trimester. This time last year, I didn't know what to expect from the new pregnancy, but I never would have imagined that it would end in stillbirth.

So, this Thanksgiving will be hard. I still wanted to cook and have family over, but I could only picture myself bawling over a raw turkey Thanksgiving morning and then not being able to eat said turkey that night because of everything that it would remind me of. Instead, this year's Thanksgiving dinner will be homemade meatballs and spaghetti. I just hope my meatballs turn out as delicious as Momma Scott's : ).

Julian's Stocking

I usually have a rule against Christmas topics, music or activities before Thanksgiving, but my Holiday Pops music came in the mail today, so I guess it's full speed to the red-and-green season from here. So, I'll go ahead and write about Julian's stocking.

First of all, I want to note that the question I asked Taison on Monday was another in a long line of questions we have asked each other over the last few months that no one should ever have to ask. In this case, the question was, "would it be weird/stupid to buy a Christmas stocking for Julian?" He said no, which was what I was hoping he would say since I had already decided that I wanted to buy one. And lo and behold, Pottery Barn was having a one day only sale (our stockings are from there, and I was planning to get a matching one for Baby Bell and subsequent Bell babies).

I'm not that excited about the holidays this year, but I am looking forward to hanging Julian's stocking alongside ours. If I can stand going into a baby section of a store next month, I would like to buy a coat or something to put in the stocking, and later donate to a child in need. Do any of you have a charity that you like to donate children's clothing to?

16 Weeks

My dear Julian would have been 16 weeks old today. I wonder what he would have looked like, what developmental milestones he would have hit by now. I miss him so much.

Sky over Magnolia Park on my way to work, 11/1/12

Four More Years!

(The Obama family in sculpture-this was a gift from my great-aunt a few years ago. It's a bit of a conversation piece.)

Four years ago I celebrated Obama's election with a great group of friends, all of us wearing blue at a classmate's apartment in New Haven. In Fall 2008, I had an exciting four years ahead of me: finishing grad school, getting married, moving to a new city, buying a house, giving birth to my first child. Last night it was just me and Taison, and I went to bed without even hearing Obama's acceptance speech. Even though these days are hard, I'm sure there are plenty of great things to come in the next four years.

"Forward"

Kitchen Adventures: Bill the Bass

Meet Bill

We cooked him, and he was delicious

We learned that cooking a whole fish is easy-especially when your fish guy takes the guts out for you. Here's the recipe we used.

~Don't forget to VOTE tomorrow, if you haven't already!!!~

Random Thoughts-11/4 Edition

Taison makes me so happy. I am fortunate to have him as my partner in life.

Life is not fair, and people do not get what they deserve, whether it's good or bad. Things just happen. That doesn't mean that it's not worth making plans and trying to make good decisions. You just have to understand that those plans won't always work out.

I can't figure out why there are birds and eggs on this month's calendar-seems more appropriate for spring. The illustrations for all of the other months are plants or flowers that are typical for that month. Maybe I'm supposed to reminisce about spring as we move into the cold, dark days of winter.

Happy DST ; ). What did you do with your "extra" hour this weekend? I slept a little longer and did some yoga.

Next Project

Look what came in the mail today just in time for the end of the Capture Your Grief project. Learning and memorizing this should keep me well-occupied over the next several weeks. I'm looking forward to more lunchtime trips to the bowels of Symphony Hall to practice (see CYG Day 29 for a photo of my favorite practice room). Performances mid-January.

CYG Day 31

Day 31: Sunset

August 19, 2012
(Four weeks after Julian's birth)

Thank you for reading about our dear Julian over these last few weeks. It has been nice to share this project with you, even though some of the posts have been hard to write (and I'm sure hard for you to read). All I have is memories of Julian, and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to share some of them with you.

Now let's see where this blog goes from here. Not sure what I'll do without my "assigned" daily topics, but stay tuned.

Love,

Kristen

CYG Day 30

Day 30: My Grief

"Grief is a primal yearning."

I wish with every fiber of my being to have my son back. Even on the good days, even when I laugh and smile, I am missing Julian. Everything reminds me of him, which makes sense given that I spent every minute of every day with him for 9 months. I am grateful for the time I had with him, but it wasn't enough. I was planning a lifetime with him.

CYG Day 29

Day 29: Music

Julian's sense of hearing developed just in time for him to hear his mommy sing Beethoven's Missa Solemnis with the Boston Symphony Orchestra at Carnegie Hall. Here's one of the most beautiful parts of the piece, Bendictus. (I don't have a recording of our performance, but this one is similar, although the BSO concertmaster is better than this one ; ).) I had a good hard cry the first time I listened to this after Julian died. I'm glad that I was able to share such beautiful music with him.

I'm sitting here listening to the piece now as Hurricane Sandy rolls in. There is such contrast between the violent winds outside and the peaceful music inside our warm, cozy living room. I hope everyone on the East Coast is able to stay safe and dry through the storm.

CYG Day 28

Day 28: Memories

How hard he would kick and punch me. Even when his rolls and jabs made me uncomfortable, I loved feeling and seeing them. I was proud of how powerful he was.

The look on the OB's face when she told us there was no heartbeat.

Fighting back tears when it was time to start pushing.

Kissing his warm, soft cheek and holding his perfect little hand.

CYG Day 27

Day 27: Artwork

Julian's first piece of art. This painting by Nelson Young caught my eye when we were in Belize, and after walking past it about 10 times during our vacation, we decided we couldn't leave without it. I was so excited to hang it in the nursery.

CYG Day 26

Day 26: Their Age

Julian died at 39 weeks, 4 days.

He was born the next day.

CYG Day 25

Day 25: Baby Shower

April 14, 2012-This picture from my shower just happens to capture the most important women in my life: Mimi, Auntie M., Mom, Grandma and Aunt Dresden. They are all amazing women and mothers who I have looked up to all my life.

CYG Day 24

Day 24: Siblings

Alex and Taylor-the "illest" uncles

CYG Day 23

Day 23: Name/Photo

Julian Thomas Bell

Born 9:22pm on Sunday, July 22, 2012
7lbs, 11oz, 19 1/2in
He had his mommy's nose and daddy's mouth, chin and ears

CYG Day 22

Day 22: Place of Care

I received my prenatal care and gave birth at Mount Auburn hospital. I am so happy with the care I received there. The nurses and midwives handled our situation with such care and respect. They allowed Julian's birth to be beautiful, even though the circumstances were tragic. Clare, a midwife, took care of me before, during and after my pregnancy. She was not scheduled to work on the 22nd, but she came from out of town to be there for Julian's birth. She arrived just in time to hold one of my legs while I pushed (Taison held the other). She took almost all of the pictures that we have of Julian. Her nurse, Jackie, doesn't work in L&D, but she reached out to me as soon as she heard what had happened. She was already my favorite nurse; now she has become a friend.

Tamara is the midwife who took care of me through labor and delivery. I love that she treated the delivery the same way she would have a live birth. She asked me if I wanted a mirror to see what was happening while I pushed (I didn't, not this time), and she told me to "look down and see your baby" as his head emerged. That first glimpse of his head is one of the memories that I cherish.

I only have a picture of two members of the team: Stacy (left) and Kathy (right), both L&D nurses. Kathy took care of us all day Sunday, and even stayed after her shift ended to be there when I delivered Julian that night. A lot of that day is a blur to me, but I clearly remember staring into Kathy's eyes and holding her hands to get through a contraction while my epidural was placed. Kathy was also a special support to my mom. She brought her countless mugs of tea that day, and even ended up giving my mom her favorite mug before she left that night. We talked about how great Kathy was for weeks after Julian was born.

CYG Day 21

Day 21: Special Place

Julian's ashes, nightlight, the first book that Taison read to him when I was pregnant, and Mr. Oink, the piggybank we bought for him in Belize. We didn't realize we were creating an altar/shrine/sacred space, but that's what this shelf in the nursery ended up being.



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I also have a couple of photos in my office, along with a gift that a friend gave me after Julian died that happens to have the same colors as his rainbows : ).

Something to look forward to

Winter getaway 2013: Turks and Caicos

Something sweet

Taison loves jellybeans, so I made sure to bring some with us to the beach. Of course, these are made with no artificial colors or flavors. They're still tasty-Taison agrees : ).

Something beautiful

Sunrise on the Charles. Taison took this on his bike ride to work a couple of weeks ago. This is near Harvard Square, close to the section of the Charles that we could see from the hospital room where Julian was born. Taison and I watched the sun rise over that bend in the river just a few hours after we found out that Julian was gone. Through that Sunday while I was in labor, the three of us (mom, Taison and I) spent hours staring out at the river and the carefree people canoeing and paddleboarding on it. We couldn't understand how they could go about their daily lives, enjoying a beautiful Sunday afternoon, while ours had just come crashing down around us. I couldn't imagine ever reentering that world of carefree Sunday afternoons. What I've learned since then is that life does go on. Julian is not here, but I am, so I might as well try to make the best of each day. My days are not carefree, but most days I am able to find something beautiful to remind me of my beautiful son.

Something delicious

Sweet potato fries with chipotle aioli from Sidecar Cafe, Oak Bluffs, Martha's Vineyard

Something fun

I'm taking a break from CYG for a few days, but didn't want to take a break from the blog. Instead, I'll share a little bit about our weekend. We went to NYC and had a great time, as usual. We explored Park Slope, had brunch at a friend's fabulous apartment in TriBeCa, and ended up at a big loud club (we thought we were going to a lounge-it was definitely not a lounge). Saturday night at the club was an opportunity to get updated on current music and pop culture, such as this gem ; ) 

CYG Day 15

Day 15: Wave of Light

12 Weeks

Julian would have been 12 weeks old today. Taison and I were both looking forward to this time when he would have started to be more interactive. I know that you all were looking forward to meeting "Baby Bell" and watching him grow, too. Tomorrow we will be lighting a candle at 7pm in his memory for CYG Day 15: Wave of Light. If you would like to light your own candle in remembrance of Julian and other babies who have passed away, please join us.

CYG Day 14

Day 14: Community

I was fortunate to find an incredibly supportive online community soon after Julian died. It was initially easier for me to talk about what happened and my feelings anonymously and virtually. Finding other women who had experienced a loss like ours, a baby stillborn at or near full term, was invaluable to me. That community is where I found out about Capture Your Grief, which I consider to be the first loss-related "event" I have participated in.

CYG Day 13

Day 13: Signs

Julian sends us special skies sometimes to let us know he is still with us. He sent this double rainbow the first day we were at the Vineyard this September. We arrived on a cloudy, drizzly, chilly Sunday-not a great way to start an already bittersweet vacation. Early that evening, the skies began to clear and a double rainbow appeared over the ocean. It was huge, and stayed visible for almost an hour. Everyone around us was amazed, and each person found different meaning in it. Taison and I knew that this was a sign from our son.

CYG Day 12

Day 12: Scents

Most of the flower arrangements we received included lilies. Usually, their scent is too strong for me, but in those first few days and weeks after Julian was born it was comforting. I think I'll always associate the scent of lilies with that time, when my memories of our short time with Julian were freshest.

CYG Day 11

Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family

...to each and every one of you, for the cards, hugs, flowers, emails, texts, meals, groceries, treats, laundry, cleaning, walks, chats, visits, memorials-everything. 

CYG Day 10

Day 10: Symbol

We still have several of the candles that Taison used when he proposed to me. We lit one on July 23rd at 9:22pm in honor of our first baby. A flame is bright, cheerful and full of energy, but it can be extinguished in an instant.

CYG Day 9

Day 9: Special Place

We have gone to Martha's Vineyard for vacation the last 3 summers, and hope to be able to continue this annual tradition far into the future. We were really looking forward to introducing Julian to the Vineyard this year. He would have been 7 weeks old when we went. It was not as sad of a trip as we thought it would be, partly because of the double rainbow, but also because we always find peace and restoration here. This is a picture of us in Ocean Park, Oak Bluffs, on our way to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. Can you see the ocean in the distance?

CYG Day 8

Day 8: Jewelry

While I like the idea of having a necklace or some other piece of jewelry in memory of Julian, for now the only pieces of significance are my wedding ring and engagement ring. I was able to wear my rings through my whole pregnancy, and was wearing them when I gave birth to Julian and held him in my arms on that special Sunday night, 7/22/12.

CYG Day 7

Day 7: What to Say

CYG Days 1-6

Day 6: What Not to Say

No one has said anything really terrible or insensitive to me about Julian. This was the one (well-meaning) comment that hurt. A neighbor who we don't know but who had seen me waddling up and down the street when I was super-pregnant yelled this across the street when Taison and I were out on a walk.

Day 5: Memorial

Julian has trees and a star named for him, and a birth certificate on file with the state department of health (not all states offer to issue one for stillborn babies-we're lucky to live in one that does). He also sent us his own memorial-a full double rainbow that was visible over the ocean at Martha's Vineyard for almost an hour.

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

I most treasure the photos I have of Julian. Sometimes I feel like this whole experience was just a dream, which makes me sad. It's comforting to have photos as proof that he existed. This is one of my favorites. He just looks like he's tuckered out after a hard day of kicking mommy with those amazing little feet.

Day 3: Self Portrait "After"

Four weeks after Julian was born, we went to Manchester, VT for the weekend. This was the first picture taken of us post-loss. I included Taison in my "self-portrait" because I would not have been able to get through this without him.

Day 2: Self Portrait "Before"

I took this on July 17th, just a few days before I gave birth. As you can see, the old wives' tale that women carry baby boys like basketballs was true in my case. 

Day 1: Sunrise

This is a view from the nursery, with the nightlight that Uncle Taylor made for Julian.