5 Weeks

Alain is 5 weeks old today and weighs over 10 pounds! I love how fat his cheeks are getting. They're like little pillows for his face when he lays his head to the side. He's started to be more interactive, and Momma Scott and I even got a real smile for the first time yesterday!

Lots of things to look at and learn-thanks to Uncle Taylor for the wall hanging from Mexico, and to Uncle Alex for the onesie from Italy!)

He had a nice first Christmas. He slept through the Nutcracker (we watched it on TV on Christmas eve), but was wide awake afterwards to welcome his first Christmas at midnight. The three of us had a nice quiet Christmas day at home. Taison and I didn't do Christmas shopping this year, but Alain ended up with a nice pile of presents to open on Christmas morning. He got lots of cute outfits, some books and toys, and a few "my first Christmas" ornaments. My parents drove up the day after Christmas and stayed until this morning. They did a lot of baby snuggling, and also some cooking and cleaning : ).

He's learning to drink from a bottle. I plan to breastfeed for a long time, but it will be nice to be able to have someone else feed him every now and then so I can go to yoga, sing in a concert, or just have a solo trip to the grocery store. I teared up a little the first time I saw Taison feeding him, partly because they looked so cute together, and partly because taking a bottle means he's growing up and already starting to need mommy a little less.

From two days old to five weeks old

Milk Dreams

Alain has the sweetest dreams after a good late-night (or early morning) feeding when he's milk-drunk. He tilts his head back and forth and joyful smiles flash across his face.

The other night, he even laughed a little in his sleep. This made me cry a little, because it occurred to me that he was probably playing with Julian in his dream world. I love both of my baby boys so much. As much as I wish I could see them play together in this world, it's nice to think of Julian as Alain's guardian angel and occasional dreamtime playmate.

3 Weeks

Alain is three weeks old today! Here's a little of what we've been up to the past week:

 Looking at the lights on the Christmas tree. We can tell his eyesight is improving-he's even started to make eye contact with us.

Hanging out with daddy after work 

First evening outing to an event at MGH. Alain slept most of the time, but we were out long enough to try out a public restroom diaper change (by Taison) and public breastfeeding (by yours truly, of course). Both were successful. This is the only photo we took-it looks like Alain is screaming, but I think this was just a yawn. His yawns are pretty dramatic.

We had several outings last week (doctor appointments, new moms groups), but have been homebound for the last couple of days because it's been so cold, snowy, and icy. I'm not too stir crazy yet, but am looking forward to warmer temperatures later this week. The days actually go by quickly even when we're at home. I think it's because I'm never quite sure what the next hour will bring.

: )

Quick Update

Alain had a great 2 week appointment today. He's back to his birth weight exactly, which was where the pediatrician wanted him to be by now. (Yay, all of that cluster feeding has paid off!)

Snug in his car seat on the way to the pediatrician

Taison is back at work now, and I'm doing pretty well on my own with baby. Nights are not my favorite, but being up at night is part of the deal. Alain wakes up every couple of hours to be nursed and changed. He'll usually go back to sleep pretty easily, but I kind of hold my breath until he does. I've gotten better at forcing myself to take naps during the day when he does. Of course, Taison has been holding up his end of the baby and housekeeping duties, even though he is home less now.

Alain has a belly button now! His cord fell off at about 4 days old, and his belly button is all healed, which means we were able to give him a "real" bath for the first time yesterday. He didn't hate it too much : )

Our First Week

Alain is already a week old! (Actually, 8 days old now.) He has met both sets of grandparents, an aunt, a cousin, and Coco so far. He'll meet his uncles later this month.

He had a great checkup with the pediatrician on Saturday. Besides eating and sleeping, he's had some tummy time and some naked time:

We met the Milk Monster last Wednesday night, when we were still in the hospital. Milk Monster is sweet baby Alain's alter ego. He demands milk on about an hourly basis some nights, and makes a face like this:

We love Milk Monster just as much as we do Alain; he's just a little more challenging to deal with, and we haven't yet been able to predict when he'll appear.

Taison and my dad put up Alain's quilt made by his great-grandma Merry. The nursery looks even cozier now. It's so nice to finally use it as a nursery. Alain doesn't sleep in there yet, but we spend plenty of time there doing diaper changes, wardrobe changes, and nursing.

We've also gone on some outings this week, including getting our Christmas tree today! Alain does okay in the car, and the carrier that we use when we go on walks puts him right to sleep. 

Taison and I have done well with week 1, and our first couple of days without grandma and grandpa Scott have been fine (they left us a lot of food : )). We're looking forward to seeing some more visitors starting this weekend. It has been so nice to have this quiet time to get our bearings and to enjoy these first few days with little Alain.  

This Changes Everything

Alain Price Bell was born at 2:50pm on Tuesday, November 26th. Taison helped deliver him, and he cried within seconds of coming out. We were shocked that he weighed 8lbs, even though it was still two weeks before his due date. He scored a 9 on his first Apgar, and a perfect 10 on the second. He's great at breastfeeding (I had a feeling he would be a good eater : )). He's just as adorable as his older brother was, but we don't think he looks much like Julian.

I can't even begin to capture in words how I'm feeling and what a wonderful adventure the last few days have been. So, I'll just start with my favorite pictures of Alain:

Out and screaming

First family photo

First time in daddy's arms

Best support team-still smiling after over 24 hours of labor

First time in grandma's arms

Happy and alert after nursing

 Waiting to go home

Leaving the hospital

First car ride (hat by Momma Scott)

Checking out the Rock 'n Play (he likes it more than it looks like he does)

Cozy

First Thanksgiving-mommy and daddy are exhausted but happy after a busy night of "cluster feeding"

Ready for first night at home-he slept a lot better than the previous night

First walk around the neighborhood

Parading down the hall with Coco's supervision

Taison and I have started saying to each other with dramatic exaggeration, "this changes everything". It does, though. Our lives have been turned upside-down in the most wonderful way possible with the arrival of our sweet Alain.

Ready

We've been ready to raise a child for a long time now. Of course, we know we have no idea what we're doing, but we're ready to learn. Taison and I have had some laughs this weekend as we've started to think past tomorrow to what it might be like to have baby at home. This article was particularly entertaining-we'll see how much of it proves to be true for us. There are so many unknowns in the days, weeks and months ahead. I could panic, but it's not worth the energy. I learned how to take one day at a time after Julian was born, and that lesson has proved valuable over and over again over the last year.

So, as I said before, we're ready. Momma Scott flies in tomorrow morning; Daddy and Coco will be here on Wednesday. Taison has a nice two-week long paternity leave, and was off this weekend for lots of honey-dos. I noticed a few days ago that my favorite Gerber daisy is blooming again (yes, in November). I take that as some sort of reassuring sign from the universe.

Our last monthly photo : )

Baby Prep

I'm so glad I was able to take the last two weeks off from work. This has been a nice time to decompress, rest, catch up with friends, cook, go to lots of doctor appointments, and to do some baby prep. We have re-learned how to use the car seat and unpacked the baby clothes. We've hung a few more things in the nursery and put together the Rock 'n Play (well, Taison did both of those by himself). We've started to get excited to meet this baby and bring him home.

Julian would have been 16 months old today. Because of him, I have an idea of what to expect when I go in to deliver his baby brother next week. Because of him, we were able to do essentially all of our baby prep in about two weeks. I am mommy to two adorable baby boys. The first will always live in our hearts and minds, and hopefully the second will live and grow in our home as well.

Mid-November Thoughts

This time two years ago, we found out I was pregnant with Julian. The following week was Thanksgiving, so we decided to go ahead and tell the family then. We couldn't pass up an opportunity to share the news in person with both sets of grandparents-to-be, both uncles-to-be and the auntie-to-be. Needless to say, it was a very special Thanksgiving dinner.

This time one year ago, I was tempted to skip Thanksgiving altogether. Instead, we hosted a low-key non-Thanksgiving dinner.

Now, we're about ten days away from meeting Julian's younger brother. I spent the day today washing the handful of new baby things we've bought or received, packing our hospital bag, and making macaroni and cheese to freeze for Thanksgiving dinner. I walked to our neighborhood dry cleaners this afternoon to pick up some of Taison's pants. It's owned by a cute older Korean couple. They know about Julian and have seen me every few weeks throughout this pregnancy. On my way out, they said, "Next time, we meet baby". I teared up a little, not so much out of sadness, but out of such great hope that they will get to meet baby, and that all of you will, too.

Last Day

Yesterday was my last day in the office. I woke up that morning feeling grateful and relatively calm given everything I wanted to get done by the end of the day. I had stared at that date on the calendar for so long, hoping that it would come a little faster, and that I would still be pregnant with a healthy baby when it did.

I didn't do a lot of goodbyes. It's kind of awkward for me to respond to all of the excited comments about "I can't wait to see pictures" and "soon you'll be a mommy" given my last experience with all of this. I already am a mommy, and I already have pictures-they're just not pictures that you would frame and put in your office.

I'm not sure what the next few weeks have in store. I wonder if I will start to feel more anxious now that I have more time to think about baby, or if I'll feel less anxious now that I'm done with work. Will I get more excited, or more impatient? Will I finally start "nesting"?

Whatever the next weeks have in store, I feel like I have started this new phase in a good place. I was lucky to end the day yesterday with dinner with Taison and then a concert (Britten's War Requiem) at Symphony Hall. It was a great performance, and a nice way to unwind after a busy week.

Kitchen Adventures: Everything Pumpkin

I've been obsessed with apples, kale and of course pumpkin the last few weeks. What little extra energy I have has been devoted to making apple crisp, kale chips, and everything pumpkin: pumpkin soup, pumpkin biscuits, pumpkin-pie oatmeal, etc. I think being pregnant has made me even more enthusiastic about fall-themed foods than usual. I even gave in to a couple of cravings for pumpkin-spice frappucinos on some recent warm days.

I bought a pie pumpkin on impulse a few weeks ago. It was nice decoration on the dining room table, but I started feeling like I should actually cook it since I had spent money on an edible pumpkin (and an organic one, at that). So, I embarked on my most labor-intensive pumpkin-related undertaking so far: Pumpkin Stuffed with Everything Good.

All cleaned out. It's been a while since I've carved a pumpkin, and I forgot what a pain it is to get all of those seeds and slimy strings out.

Fun things for inside the pumpkin: stale sourdough, prosciutto, shallots, sage and aged cheddar.

Stuffed and ready to bake (in my favorite orange pot, of course).

Time to eat! With sage-lemon roasted chicken and sauteed kale.

The thing is, pumpkin doesn't actually taste that good unless it's pureed and combined with lots of spices and/or sugar and/or fat. The stuffing in this recipe is good, and baking it in a pumpkin looks cool, but I wouldn't say it's worth the work of messing with the pumpkin. I'll stick with tastier and slightly easier to work with butternut, acorn and spaghetti squash (and canned pumpkin) for the rest of this fall.

Baby Update

Baby is 34 weeks today and doing great. We started weekly ultrasounds to check on growth, practice breathing, etc., and everything has looked good so far. We even got a peek at his cute little face in 3D this week : ).

The books say he's the size of a butternut squash now, somewhere between 4 1/2 and 5 1/2 lbs...

...but this week's ultrasound measurements estimated that he's already over 6 lbs! He still moves often and a lot, which is nice reassurance for his mommy and daddy. He also gets hiccups once or twice a day (he's actually hiccuping as I write this).

I guess we're in the "home stretch" now. I just hope for a few more uneventful weeks. I was listening to an old Radiohead album the other day, and a line from the song "No Surprises" has been popping into my head over and over:

"No alarms and no surprises, please".

A Shared Memorial

Taison and I attended a remembrance ceremony yesterday at Mt. Auburn hospital for families who had lost babies. Neither of us really wanted to go, for various reasons. I didn't know what to expect from the ceremony, and that made me nervous. I think I was afraid of feeling exposed. But, I knew I would regret missing an opportunity to memorialize Julian in the place he was born with the people who supported us during his birth.

It was uncomfortable to be there at first, but by the halfway point I was glad we had gone. The ceremony consisted of readings by various staff members (L&D nurses, midwives and OBs), music and some words by the hospital chaplain. We (the families in attendance) were also given an opportunity to participate, which was nice. Taison and I agreed afterward that our favorite part was actually the informal mingling afterwards. It was nice to chat with the staff members who were so intimately involved in Julian's birth, and the ones we have gotten to know in the 15 months since then.

Remembrance Day

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and tomorrow, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We will be lighting a candle at 7pm in memory of Julian and other babies who have passed away. Please join us in lighting your own candle for tomorrow's "Wave of Light".

Swirling Mix of Emotions

On my walk home through Magnolia Park earlier this week I just happened to turn around and see this sky:

I had to stop and take a picture, because I couldn't believe how well these oddly-swirling clouds captured how I've been feeling lately: a swirling mix of excitement, fear, hope, frustration, optimism, self-pity. As we approach the "home stretch" of this pregnancy, Taison and I will both have to face our fears about losing another baby. We've realized that we'll have to be deliberate about supporting each other and reaching out to our support systems. I know we'll be fine, and these last few weeks will pass before we know it, but it does seem like a long road ahead sometimes.

Blogiversary

Songs and Skies is a year old today! I'm so glad I started this blog. It's been exactly what I hoped it would be: a way to stay in touch, and a safe space for me to share the ups and downs of the past year. To celebrate, I've added a search bar to the blog (exciting, I know). You should be able to see it on the right under the "About Me" section. I thought this would be helpful if you (or I) are trying to find something, especially since this is the 98th post!

You may remember that part of my motivation for starting this blog was the Capture Your Grief project. It's going on again this year, but I decided not to participate this time around. I still look for ways to remember Julian, and I still need outlets for the feelings of loss, but this just didn't feel like the right outlet for me right now.

I'm not sure how Songs and Skies will evolve over the next year. Hopefully, it will be loaded with baby pictures and musings on motherhood. There will definitely be posts about travel and food and yoga. I have only shared this blog with close family and friends. I've thought a little bit about starting a spin-off blog to share more widely, and keeping Songs and Skies as a more private "family blog". We'll see what happens over the next few months. There are much bigger life changes in store, after all.

Thank you so much for reading and for being an important part of our lives. I look forward to sharing the next year with you.

Love,
Kristen

Kitchen Adventures: Chicken Pot Pie

I like chicken pot pie. It's such a comforting fall and winter dish. Last weekend I had a fennel bulb that I didn't know what to do with, so when I found this recipe, it was the perfect opportunity to use up the fennel and try making my own chicken pot pie.

I added some white wine to the chicken broth. The tiny bottles are perfect to have around for cooking, especially when I'm pregnant and not drinking.

I also added onion and a little celery. I omitted the fennel seeds and used prosciutto instead of ham.

Naked pie

Covered-up pie

Cooked pie. Look, I even made a little decoration in the crust. 

Yum

So, there was just one problem with this warm, inviting, savory pie: it wasn't quite as savory as it was supposed to be. I took a shortcut and bought a pie crust, and apparently the crust I bought was a pastry crust. Which meant it was sweet-distractinly sweet. All was not lost, though. I peeled the crust off of the rest of the pie and served the filling over rice. Next time, I'll either go all the way and make my own crust, or (more likely), just check the ingredients on the crust I buy to make sure there's no sugar!

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I saw a pretty red maple leaf on the ground when I left work yesterday and it made me smile. Daddy and I are excited that it's fall now, because that means it's almost time to meet you! Of course, we've had fun getting to know you already, but we're looking forward to holding you in our arms and seeing what you look like. But first, you need to do some more growing. Take your time-we'll try to be patient.

Love,

Mommy

30 weeks!

Wedding Weekend

My good friend from grad school got married yesterday. We had a great time celebrating  and catching up with friends. Baby got lots of love (aka belly rubs) from his YSPH aunties. We even did a little dancing : ).

About halfway through the reception it hit me that I was at about the same point in my pregnancy with Julian when I was in another good friend's wedding last year. I got the same questions and comments this time as I did then ("When are you due?" "Aren't you cute!" "Is this your first?"). It's just so much more emotionally complicated to respond to these questions now than it was last year. I did receive one comment that warmed my heart. I hadn't seen the mother of the bride in a couple of years. She not only congratulated me on this new pregnancy, but also took the time to share her condolences about Julian. It was so nice to hear her say his name.